My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
For anyone who needs this today
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met