Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go