Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
This checks out
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police