FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
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“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
A couple who are silly together stay together.