[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
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My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok