Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
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1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”