I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]