Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.