I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong