If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet