Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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Who.
Did.
This?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.