There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
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‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Cat.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*