Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.