King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
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Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
is this a threat
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.