[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.