6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.