My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
sliding into dms like
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues