Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
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OH. COME. ON.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”