“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Investing in beetcoin
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work