When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.