I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
got so much cardio in today
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.