Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
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It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls