Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i