Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
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Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter