deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”