Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
no
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.