It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
This is true.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.