Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
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Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .