My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
You Might Also Like
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Effort made
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation