Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day