If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
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If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My favorite female superhero
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.