Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Am I having a stroke?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been