You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key