Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.