HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
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Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I didn’t come here to be called names
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Seems kinda suspicious
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*