GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
How I like cutting carbs
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.