She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?