Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Who does Amazon think I am?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?