Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.