Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Liquor Store Parking
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.