Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
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My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
You’re the water to my grease fire.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
pelicons
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
doing your own taxes