Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
😂😂😂
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona