Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
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Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.