Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
what’s more important?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?