My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
You Might Also Like
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
one last job
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
New mindset, who dis?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one