I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
You Might Also Like
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
this is funnier than any friends episode
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Happy Febuary everyone!
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.