now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
🤣😂🤣
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
“Morning, how was your weekend?”