Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.