*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
me hooking up with my ex
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.