(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
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All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light